Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
