gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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