Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
