Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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