Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
