My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
