I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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