I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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