I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
