I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
