When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
