Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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