that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
