Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
