Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I love you. Go after that dick
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