....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
