I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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