you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
