i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
