1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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