Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The air was thick with penises
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
