the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
