When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
