Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
