my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Sober January is a disaster.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
