I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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