Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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