he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
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I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
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Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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