Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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