There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
