woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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