well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
