Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
