for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
