Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
