Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
