I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
