Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I need moral support for this bender
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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