if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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