Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
