I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
