You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
