Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
