youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
