I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
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I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
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Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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