and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
