how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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