I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
