Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
