it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
