I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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