Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
