Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
