Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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