my vag is so smooth its legendary
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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