God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
