im having a threesome with these popsicles
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
