Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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