I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
